Countdown

My defense date has been set. Now the research clock is ticking....

The dissertation is in review. I'm defending in a few weeks. This raises all sorts of anxiety, in part, because I am out of publishable data and I remain unemployed. I've written a few postdoctoral fellowships, but I don't have much hope that I will land them...in part, because my publication record is wanting. This is partially my fault and partially the fault of my graduate program, which sells itself on a strong research component but, in practice, prefers that students teach 12-20 hours a week to earn their "fellowship". I've spent much of the last year asking myself why I didn't jump ship in those first 6 months and join a program where students were encouraged to do research.

As I finish up these two papers to be submitted to journals, and make the revisions my committee requests of my thesis, I finally have the time to really search for a job. H and I have decided to cast the net far and wide for a bench position. At this moment, I really don't know what two months from now will look like. Our new strategy to reduce college debt, have kids etc are all in flux. While I'm trying very hard to regain some semblance of normal work hours, my validity as a potential researcher has an expiration date. I'm aware that the day after my defense, the clock starts ticking. While my P.I.s would like me to searching various published data to find potentially interesting areas to study, I've decided that I would rather get ahead on a few publishing projects, find another lab to work in and maybe finally get to the top of the Empire State Building. Whatever I do, it can't cost much because my bank balance is pretty low.

It's a strange time. I'm wishing days away and begging for more time simultaneously. I've found myself considering volunteering as a postdoc just to get ahead on projects - a situation that would almost certainly leave me broke and as well as not valued in a lab. I'm a mass of contradictions this month :) Ah well.

Stay tuned.

August - how did that happen?

Photo credit: Reuters

It is August in New York. August is a tough time here. The heat 90+ for most of the month and the humidity is a slap across the face every morning. The streets are crammed with tourists - great for the local economy and nice the the tourists, but a little rough for those of us who need to get from point A to point B without being stepped on, pushed, interrupted or crowded. Anyone of any means leaves. The upside is that restaurant reservations are easy to get. The downside is, people like me are constantly reminded that they can't afford to get away. August tends to be the one month of the year when I become really bored with the city. Most of my friends leave town for extended periods and I stay. Almost everyone in academia is unreachable, so publications and projects sit or crawl despite my best efforts.

Yet this is possibly my last Summer here....and I'm trying my best to make the most of it.

To that end, I willingly sacrificed the more populated and less humid months of June and July in an effort to finish my dissertation draft. I gain at least 5 pounds while strapped to this computer in that effort....so really, I don't want to travel to a beach anyway. I should be thrilled that I sat down and worked over the last 6 weeks or so because I have achieved/received

1) 3/4 of a full draft of the dissertation

2) a full draft of the publication which my advisors are still revising

3) two accusations of not working from people who do not know better

4) half the papers I am owed for a project I am overseeing

5) all but 2 of those papers out for review

6) last term's tuition is fully paid

7) one of student loans reduced to half of what it was at the beginning of June.

8) one class taught

With the exception of the weight gain and the non-sensical complaints, this should be great progress. Two things are really keeping me from feeling good about it

i) I have to see my boss two days in a row, which is always demoralizing

ii) my boss is starting to call ad hoc meetings and make undefined demands of my time (i.e. Boss "you should be here"

me: "doing what?"

Boss: "you should have something to do here"

me: "can you be more specific? I have things I would like to do"

Boss: "well, you can't work on my projects"

me:"can I work on my projects?"

Boss: "someone else has some ideas for you"

me:"can you be more specific"

Boss: "well I can't make you do them"

me: "what are they?"

Boss: "I don't know"

The suggestion is not bad. I would like to be gathering more data. The problem is these conversations have previously always built to these explosions of unadulterated anxiety with no practical suggestions from my boss. Very basic practical measures are never taken (i.e. your products will be billed to these accounts, or "sit down. Let's talk about next steps so that I can alert the staff of what invoices will be coming in") and as a result, I spend weeks spinning my wheels producing proposals and outlines that are never used while the remainder of the staff refuses to accept invoices or suggests that I pay for the project out of my independent salary. In the end, I'm always accused of not being a promising academic. These exchanges lead to a lot of back and forthing and directionless online research that stalls my dissertation.

This time might be different, but my boss is suitably distracted that I would rather sit down and finish the dissertation draft and then chase them for the required information/accounts to proceed.

iii) these two factors have left me dreading the inevitable - rather than wander the abandoned August streets of NYC for the first time in years, making paper revisions and actually getting a week off of work, I will spend it rushing back in forth, under great pressure, to an office with no particular purpose...and have to write the dissertation in the spare minutes of the day.

I've spent all day trying to think of a strategy to handle this problem of work disrupted by other people's anxieties. I think what I need to do is take a work vacation - like hole up in a hotel someplace really cool and just sit down to write and plan my next steps.

So...I'll be back here with suggestions

Motivation is drained by bad bossmanship

Five years ago my friend was struggling to remain motivated enough to finish a course paper.

Today, I'm struggling to stay motivated enough to not blow my entire career in a single "this-is-where-you-can-stick-your-paper-draft-and-crap-attitude" phone blast to my bosses.

..so it seems particularly apt that I ran across the email I sent that friend so many years ago.

Reproduced here for your reading enjoyment

" Here's how you hold on to Motivation. I start typing random thoughts related to the topic until motivation creeps by and looks over my shoulder. That's when I grab the sack I've hidden between my legs and whip it up over my shoulder and bag motivation. Once bagged, I give it a few punches to the stomach and few kicks to the ribs. Then I lean over motivation and loudly whisper "you ain't never gonna f*(&^% with me again, are you??? Are you???? I didn't think so. I'll see you here at work tomorrow, on time. I will won't I? Did Creativity tell you what I did to his mother? It was pretty f$&&*)(@ ugly. Ask Imagination how he drives to work in the morning with no f$&%^* legs!!!!"

Then open the bag...and lo' and behold motivation shows up on time next work day.

Seriously, those first five minutes are hyper important".

I feel so much better for having pasted it here.

When your "boss" costs you money

I have an unusual committee arrangement for my PhD. I am co-advised by a group of people, and then have additional committee members. That means that every publication, every piece of paper related to my degree has to be passed by a number of hands to be submitted.

I chose the members of my advisement team during a moment of considerable weakness. I think that is why my many advisors have personality traits that I would avoid in real life. Two of these advisors are a particularly difficult to deal with. They

a) are persistently disorganized

b) frequently yell a staff/students

c) manipulate and personally insult staff/students

d) panic and demand your immediate appearance at the drop of a hat

e) reorganize experiments, suddenly change direction and change back

Now, I'm a tough cookie, so at this point I'm willing to eat a,b and c. I'm not willing to eat d and e. Why? Because d and e cost me money.

How does their panic, forgetfulness and lack of organization cost me money

a) I often have to pay for costly reagent shipping out of my own pocket

b) My presence is often demanded within minutes - regardless of schedule - so I am expected to pay for a $20+ cab ride to various offices and apartments....often to discuss and achieve nothing

c) I have had to dig into my own pocket to attend whatever conferences they wanted me to attend. I will have to dig into my own pocket for publications as well

d) a portion of my grant money was spent on their spur of the moment decisions and retractions about experiments....until I put my foot down.

While I was a new student. I did whatever they said. As recently as two months ago, I was spending $100s jumping in and out of cabs whenever they decided I needed to be in a particular place at a particular time to do....nothing. My attitude at the time was "what ever gets me through the degree/job".

I've since had an epiphany.

This is my money. My time.

I will not waste it.

So - here is how I'm dealing with my costly bosses

I say "no"

Yup. When my advisors demand my immediate presence with no forewarning, I simply go when I am able. I don't rush to their offices. No one is bleeding to death. I check for scheduling conflicts. I tell them when I am available and I show up on time. I do not tell them why I unavailable at other times. That provides a foot in the door to discuss why I should be immediately present. Procrastinators, like my bosses, are prone to spreading their anxiety and making deliberate attempts to induce anxiety in others. I simply tell them when I can show up and I show up at that time.

I am not friends with my bosses

I picked this up this tip while working for a particularly invasive boss in 2002. I am happy to see it reiterated on PsychCentral. I do not try to establish a friendship with my bosses. I don't share personal information. I don't tell them where I live. They have never met my husband. Ostensibly, an employee should keep their personal lives private to maintain a professional decorum. I, however, have had an inordinate number of emotional manipulative and abusive bosses, so I keep my private life under wraps in an attempt to create some emotional distance. My husband and my home are my safe place, where I do not have to engage with my bosses if I do not want to.

Once I have a better sense of how a boss operates, I'll start to let information slip and might even visit home etc.. In my experience, few bosses are capable of being both friends and productive bosses. Why risk your own financial and emotional health? There are plenty of other people that I can call friends.

I think for myself

One of the reasons I was susceptible to my advisors panicked back and forth approach to experiments was that I was distracted. I balanced a high teaching load with lab work. When my advisors would ask me to do one experiment that required three days of work and then yell 1 day "where are the results", I too would panic and mindlessly set up experiments. The experiments would fail and more yelling and panic would ensue.

I stopped the cycle by thinking for myself. Every boss/employee advisor/student relationship is different. In my case, I just stopped answering emails while I was still researching and planning an experiment. I certainly considered their advice. My advisors are more experienced than I am. They are very smart and successful people. It's just that our communication was destructive. I needed to find a way to mitigate the destruction until I could produce some useful experiments. It didn't take long. I only needed 3 weeks of carefully calculated communication and thinking/experiment time to produce something that worked. Before that time I had spent almost 16 months in this panic/experiment cycle.

I eventually found a way to cut back on teaching as well, which also helped. Basically, I decided that to think for myself I would have to provide myself with time to think. My success was directly correlated to comfortable time to think and plan. Yelling, panicked emails, teaching - all distractions keeping me from my goal.

I don't take their insults personally

I raced to their offices because I didn't want to disappoint my bosses. I spent $1000s on shipping costs and cabs because I wanted to keep things calm and steady. I could have spent $100 000s, it wouldn't matter. People yell at other people out of self-entitlement. I could have delivered a Nature paper on top of a birthday cake at every lab meeting, my advisors would still yell, lodge personal insults and manipulate. It is who they are as bosses.

It is not, however, who I am.

They misbehave and I refuse to engage. I stay on topic. I don't take it personally.