The tenure track

After all that education, you'd think the tenure track job at an R1 institution would fill a person with a sense of relief. As an undergraduate, graduate student and postdoc you train for years and years. More than a decade - sometimes more than two decades. You'd think the logical feeling would be "finally, I get to be in charge".

I wish that was my feeling. I think had someone come to me in the middle of my PhD and said "you can ditch this and run your own lab now", maybe I would have felt differently. I certainly felt more competent at the end of my PhD than I now do at the close of my postdoc.

Part of my hesitation is certainly due to the growing detachment between my benchwork and my analysis. My analysis requires a team of people with stronger math and computational skills than myself. I don't mean "strong math skills", like someone who took an extra statistics class. I mean someone who got a PhD in math. Someone who is writing bioinformatic programs. My feeling of inadequacy has certainly grown since 6 weeks ago, when I was ordered by my boss to tear down the analysis of my most important paper for the 7th time and do something completely new - and was assigned a collaborator who, by and large, creates analytical structures and codes by himself without must explanation.

So the jump to tenure track is extremely nerve racking.

It's also a bit of a financial hit. That might sounds kind of crazy, but my husband's income will take a hit in this move. Our income, overall, will be lower than it was during my graduate school days. As we near the end of our 30s, and develop our little family, the question for me really becomes how much longer am I willing to ride this horse?

From the perspective of asking questions, starting research and pulling papers together  I'm willing to ride until I can't ride any further. From the perspective of sitting in one spot for hours on end while I work out the tiniest of coding problems that had halted all progress for 3 or 4 weeks - AND at the end of that process not being sure how much more willing I am to continue coding....research.....getting out of bed....

This experience of repetitive failure has had me thinking about Fabulife and how I want to move forward with this blog. It seems to me that most of my time in this space has been spent trying to convey that graduate school doesn't have to and, more importantly, shouldn't financially devastate a student. I came out of my graduate degree with a really nice chunk of money in the bank, my credit cards clear, some investments and a student loan paid off. I'm leaving my postdoc with a lot less money in my pocket, and I'm heading into a tenure track position that will not pay me what I deserve for my training or efforts. On top of that my days, because I work in experimental biology and deal with great deal of computational work, are filled with failure. Like every other scientist, I fail every day. I fail and fail and fail until something works. It's tough on the soul. The repeated mousing is tough on my wrists.

Enjoying oneself within the means provided by the tight budget my academic life has provided means more than just figuring out how to buy a low cost engagement ring. It really means being able to cope with the academic life as a whole. So, this is where Fabulife is headed - a more honest description of the totality of life on a budget, life on the campus. You've been given a heads up. It ain't all going to be cheery accounts of budget friendly whathaveyous. S#$% it getting real in this space.

So, to recap - tenure track still means counting change, starting your own lab is frightening when your postdoc work isn't published yet, the blog is shifting in focus.

See you soon!

One income - let the challenge begin

The sun goes down on my income generating years, for now

We are now officially down to one income. I am, of course, extremely nervous. I have been employed since the age of 13. I have my own money my entire teen and adult life. Now, I have to rely on someone else to parcel out cash to me. Given that I spent most of my last pay cheque preparing Go bags and an emergency pantry, H will be rolling out money to me faster than he might think.

This period is supposed to be temporary for us. I am defending soon and desperately searching for a post-doctoral position. If all goes well, I will have landed a job by January. Still, I've been on 4 interviews already and nothing has stuck. I keep getting offers and new potential employers contact me almost every day, but none of the positions are the right ones. The P.I.s are unfocused, or are looking for someone who can pipette without thinking. While most grad students work for their advisors for a few months after they graduate, this is not an option for me. My bosses are abusive, unproductive and have gotten a taste for free labour. I might feel better about it if my bosses could get off their butts and respond to any of my emails about finishing the paper. That is a drama for another day.

I would be lying if I told you that the thought of me never finding a postdoc position had not occurred to me. My anxiety about this is such that I have started dreaming about P.I.s that have rejected me hugging me. That's messed up, right?

In anycase, whether I am ready or not, whether I want to or not, I am now completely at the mercy of someone else's income and job performance. H is great at what he does, but I've never been in this position before. I bought some almonds and dried mango on the way home today. It occurred to me that I will have rethink every little pit stop like that.

So onward and upward. I planned on this day, but have decided to make the following immediate emergency measures to make life easier. From now until January I will

a) limit restaurant visits

b) enjoy a drink or food when I go out with my friends, but not both

c) I will eat before going over to a friend's, running errands, or attending meetings so as to not have a painful discussion about why I can't get a bite to eat

d) I will not split courses at a restaurant with anyone other than H

e) shop grocery sales

f) be more vigilant about power usage

g) use Skype more often to speak to family and complete post-doc interviews

h) limit the purchase of special drinks i.e. coconut water, skinny water etc.

i) set a budget and list of new clothing items for the Fall/Winter and not stray from it

j) make more $5 meals

k) limit house parties to a single small one in four months

l) still put 10% of whatever H gives me each month into savings :)

Any other ideas? I still have this last semester of tuition to pay :(

If I were postdoctoral funding.....

.....where would I be?

Short musing today on the decision all doctoral candidates have to make at some point.

How many more years can you stand to be someone else's b#$%^ for very little money.

There are three options for any graduating doctoral student in the sciences

1) quit academia for the lush life of cube sitting at an NGO/gov office/corporation and using that statistics course you had to take first year

2) quit research and go for a lectureship or company-based R&D

3) go into research as a post-doc in someone else's lab.

Number 3 can further be broken down into

i) interview for positions where you will be paid ~37K annually out of someone else's grant or start up funds and spend the next 2-3 years completing that research relatively hassle-free (extremely rare).

ii) interview for positions where you will be paid ~37K annually out of someone else's grant or start up funds and spend the next 3-10 years desperately trying to meet the requirements of someone else's research program......someone getting paid much more than you, to go home at night, see their spouse and read to their children while you, underling-being-paid-annually-approximately-$3000-for-every-year-of-your-post-secondary-education, sleep with your head on a bench and are subjected to lectures about how only very special scientists can manage a career and a life/kids and that you are clearly not one of those scientists (very, very common).

iii) interview with P.I.s with explicit interest of bringing your own research money to their lab, thus granting yourself some research autonomy by at least providing for your own wage slightly above 37K (rare).

Option 3-iii is the ideal. If I'm going to spend another 2-4 years in graduate-style poverty, I might as well being doing research that I want to do.

First, I must find the grants.

August - how did that happen?

Photo credit: Reuters

It is August in New York. August is a tough time here. The heat 90+ for most of the month and the humidity is a slap across the face every morning. The streets are crammed with tourists - great for the local economy and nice the the tourists, but a little rough for those of us who need to get from point A to point B without being stepped on, pushed, interrupted or crowded. Anyone of any means leaves. The upside is that restaurant reservations are easy to get. The downside is, people like me are constantly reminded that they can't afford to get away. August tends to be the one month of the year when I become really bored with the city. Most of my friends leave town for extended periods and I stay. Almost everyone in academia is unreachable, so publications and projects sit or crawl despite my best efforts.

Yet this is possibly my last Summer here....and I'm trying my best to make the most of it.

To that end, I willingly sacrificed the more populated and less humid months of June and July in an effort to finish my dissertation draft. I gain at least 5 pounds while strapped to this computer in that effort....so really, I don't want to travel to a beach anyway. I should be thrilled that I sat down and worked over the last 6 weeks or so because I have achieved/received

1) 3/4 of a full draft of the dissertation

2) a full draft of the publication which my advisors are still revising

3) two accusations of not working from people who do not know better

4) half the papers I am owed for a project I am overseeing

5) all but 2 of those papers out for review

6) last term's tuition is fully paid

7) one of student loans reduced to half of what it was at the beginning of June.

8) one class taught

With the exception of the weight gain and the non-sensical complaints, this should be great progress. Two things are really keeping me from feeling good about it

i) I have to see my boss two days in a row, which is always demoralizing

ii) my boss is starting to call ad hoc meetings and make undefined demands of my time (i.e. Boss "you should be here"

me: "doing what?"

Boss: "you should have something to do here"

me: "can you be more specific? I have things I would like to do"

Boss: "well, you can't work on my projects"

me:"can I work on my projects?"

Boss: "someone else has some ideas for you"

me:"can you be more specific"

Boss: "well I can't make you do them"

me: "what are they?"

Boss: "I don't know"

The suggestion is not bad. I would like to be gathering more data. The problem is these conversations have previously always built to these explosions of unadulterated anxiety with no practical suggestions from my boss. Very basic practical measures are never taken (i.e. your products will be billed to these accounts, or "sit down. Let's talk about next steps so that I can alert the staff of what invoices will be coming in") and as a result, I spend weeks spinning my wheels producing proposals and outlines that are never used while the remainder of the staff refuses to accept invoices or suggests that I pay for the project out of my independent salary. In the end, I'm always accused of not being a promising academic. These exchanges lead to a lot of back and forthing and directionless online research that stalls my dissertation.

This time might be different, but my boss is suitably distracted that I would rather sit down and finish the dissertation draft and then chase them for the required information/accounts to proceed.

iii) these two factors have left me dreading the inevitable - rather than wander the abandoned August streets of NYC for the first time in years, making paper revisions and actually getting a week off of work, I will spend it rushing back in forth, under great pressure, to an office with no particular purpose...and have to write the dissertation in the spare minutes of the day.

I've spent all day trying to think of a strategy to handle this problem of work disrupted by other people's anxieties. I think what I need to do is take a work vacation - like hole up in a hotel someplace really cool and just sit down to write and plan my next steps.

So...I'll be back here with suggestions

Motivation is drained by bad bossmanship

Five years ago my friend was struggling to remain motivated enough to finish a course paper.

Today, I'm struggling to stay motivated enough to not blow my entire career in a single "this-is-where-you-can-stick-your-paper-draft-and-crap-attitude" phone blast to my bosses.

..so it seems particularly apt that I ran across the email I sent that friend so many years ago.

Reproduced here for your reading enjoyment

" Here's how you hold on to Motivation. I start typing random thoughts related to the topic until motivation creeps by and looks over my shoulder. That's when I grab the sack I've hidden between my legs and whip it up over my shoulder and bag motivation. Once bagged, I give it a few punches to the stomach and few kicks to the ribs. Then I lean over motivation and loudly whisper "you ain't never gonna f*(&^% with me again, are you??? Are you???? I didn't think so. I'll see you here at work tomorrow, on time. I will won't I? Did Creativity tell you what I did to his mother? It was pretty f$&&*)(@ ugly. Ask Imagination how he drives to work in the morning with no f$&%^* legs!!!!"

Then open the bag...and lo' and behold motivation shows up on time next work day.

Seriously, those first five minutes are hyper important".

I feel so much better for having pasted it here.

When your "boss" costs you money

I have an unusual committee arrangement for my PhD. I am co-advised by a group of people, and then have additional committee members. That means that every publication, every piece of paper related to my degree has to be passed by a number of hands to be submitted.

I chose the members of my advisement team during a moment of considerable weakness. I think that is why my many advisors have personality traits that I would avoid in real life. Two of these advisors are a particularly difficult to deal with. They

a) are persistently disorganized

b) frequently yell a staff/students

c) manipulate and personally insult staff/students

d) panic and demand your immediate appearance at the drop of a hat

e) reorganize experiments, suddenly change direction and change back

Now, I'm a tough cookie, so at this point I'm willing to eat a,b and c. I'm not willing to eat d and e. Why? Because d and e cost me money.

How does their panic, forgetfulness and lack of organization cost me money

a) I often have to pay for costly reagent shipping out of my own pocket

b) My presence is often demanded within minutes - regardless of schedule - so I am expected to pay for a $20+ cab ride to various offices and apartments....often to discuss and achieve nothing

c) I have had to dig into my own pocket to attend whatever conferences they wanted me to attend. I will have to dig into my own pocket for publications as well

d) a portion of my grant money was spent on their spur of the moment decisions and retractions about experiments....until I put my foot down.

While I was a new student. I did whatever they said. As recently as two months ago, I was spending $100s jumping in and out of cabs whenever they decided I needed to be in a particular place at a particular time to do....nothing. My attitude at the time was "what ever gets me through the degree/job".

I've since had an epiphany.

This is my money. My time.

I will not waste it.

So - here is how I'm dealing with my costly bosses

I say "no"

Yup. When my advisors demand my immediate presence with no forewarning, I simply go when I am able. I don't rush to their offices. No one is bleeding to death. I check for scheduling conflicts. I tell them when I am available and I show up on time. I do not tell them why I unavailable at other times. That provides a foot in the door to discuss why I should be immediately present. Procrastinators, like my bosses, are prone to spreading their anxiety and making deliberate attempts to induce anxiety in others. I simply tell them when I can show up and I show up at that time.

I am not friends with my bosses

I picked this up this tip while working for a particularly invasive boss in 2002. I am happy to see it reiterated on PsychCentral. I do not try to establish a friendship with my bosses. I don't share personal information. I don't tell them where I live. They have never met my husband. Ostensibly, an employee should keep their personal lives private to maintain a professional decorum. I, however, have had an inordinate number of emotional manipulative and abusive bosses, so I keep my private life under wraps in an attempt to create some emotional distance. My husband and my home are my safe place, where I do not have to engage with my bosses if I do not want to.

Once I have a better sense of how a boss operates, I'll start to let information slip and might even visit home etc.. In my experience, few bosses are capable of being both friends and productive bosses. Why risk your own financial and emotional health? There are plenty of other people that I can call friends.

I think for myself

One of the reasons I was susceptible to my advisors panicked back and forth approach to experiments was that I was distracted. I balanced a high teaching load with lab work. When my advisors would ask me to do one experiment that required three days of work and then yell 1 day "where are the results", I too would panic and mindlessly set up experiments. The experiments would fail and more yelling and panic would ensue.

I stopped the cycle by thinking for myself. Every boss/employee advisor/student relationship is different. In my case, I just stopped answering emails while I was still researching and planning an experiment. I certainly considered their advice. My advisors are more experienced than I am. They are very smart and successful people. It's just that our communication was destructive. I needed to find a way to mitigate the destruction until I could produce some useful experiments. It didn't take long. I only needed 3 weeks of carefully calculated communication and thinking/experiment time to produce something that worked. Before that time I had spent almost 16 months in this panic/experiment cycle.

I eventually found a way to cut back on teaching as well, which also helped. Basically, I decided that to think for myself I would have to provide myself with time to think. My success was directly correlated to comfortable time to think and plan. Yelling, panicked emails, teaching - all distractions keeping me from my goal.

I don't take their insults personally

I raced to their offices because I didn't want to disappoint my bosses. I spent $1000s on shipping costs and cabs because I wanted to keep things calm and steady. I could have spent $100 000s, it wouldn't matter. People yell at other people out of self-entitlement. I could have delivered a Nature paper on top of a birthday cake at every lab meeting, my advisors would still yell, lodge personal insults and manipulate. It is who they are as bosses.

It is not, however, who I am.

They misbehave and I refuse to engage. I stay on topic. I don't take it personally.